What is Boundary Setting?

Boundaries are guidelines between people about suitable behaviour and responsibilities. The ability to set, express, and maintain boundaries is an essential part of any healthy relationship. Boundaries build "win-win" relationships by making clear our needs and limits, while letting others know what options are available for meeting their own needs.

Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries can help children and young people to develop self-control, to be part of our society, and to feel cared for and safe. They also help parents look after themselves and other family members.

Boundaries should be set when you want behaviours to change and wish to avoid negative, stressful behaviours such as nagging, yelling, threatening or punishing to get what you want.

Boundaries are unique to each family. They change with circumstances. As young people mature, they can become more involved in the setting of boundaries to suit their new levels of independence. Setting and keeping boundaries can be difficult with an adolescent, because they may be challenging parental authority and wanting independence. New skills may be needed to negotiate good working boundaries with young people.

This page and the downloads available will provide you with information about how to use boundaries and help children to avoid conflicts with adults in their lives, to encourage responsibility and self-management, to resolve problems in the relationship, and to establish a foundation of mutual trust, consideration and respect.

What are good boundaries?
Good boundaries are those that are fair and reasonable and that are appropriate for the age and maturity of the child or young person. As young people mature, there can be more freedoms, but there should also be age-appropriate responsibilities.

Boundaries should be clear and reasonable. They need to be consistent. There must be consequences for not respecting them. If you have very little control, and your child's behaviour is fairly extreme, it is better to have only a few rules. Make these the most important ones, for example, safety of family members or no drugs in the house. Ensure that your young person clearly understands these rules and the reasons for them.

Whether you use boundaries in relationships with children or other adults, the characteristics of boundaries and dynamics of boundary setting are the same:

Clarity: Boundaries should be clear, specific and clearly communicated. They work best when you have your children’s attention, when they understand what you’re requesting, when the positive outcome of their cooperation is clear and when specific requirements, conditions or time factors are spelled out. For example, "I’ll read you the next chapter in your story as long as you’re in your pajamas with your teeth brushed by the time the big hand is on the six."

Win-win: Boundaries should respect and consider the needs of everyone involved. They attempt to create ways for both you and your children to get what you want. For example, "I’ll be happy to drive you to the mall as soon as you finish your chores" or "I want to hear about your day. I’ll be free to give you my full attention in 15 minutes."

Proactive: Boundaries should work to prevent problems and are typically expressed before a problem occurs or before it is allowed to continue (or get worse). For example, "You can play my stereo as soon as you demonstrate how to use it correctly (or replace the CD you damaged)." "When we go to the store, you can select one kind of dessert (or cereal)."

Positive: The most effective boundaries typically focus on the positive outcomes of cooperation. They are also expressed positively, as promises rather than threats or simply as information (with the implication that the positive outcome is available, for example, until a certain time or under certain conditions). For example, "If you put your dirty clothes in the hamper by 9:00 Saturday morning, I’ll wash them for you".

Follow through: Allowing a positive consequence to occur only when the child does what you’ve asked, is what communicates that you mean what you say and you say what you mean. It increases the likelihood that your children will take you seriously when you ask for what you want, and it improves the chances that they will cooperate as well (if it’s really the only way they can get what they want).

Downloads

Reasons for using boundaries: This download gives you some reasons why boundary setting is good to use with children.

Setting Boundaries: This download gives you amore information about boundary setting, what boundaries are and how you can use them to help improve particular behaviour. For more information you can also see the ‘Boundary Setting’ page on this website.

Building Relationships: This download provides you with some useful hints and tips about building and improving relationships with your child.

Improving Communication with Teenagers: Communication is vital to successful relationships and boundary setting. This download therefore provides some useful hints and tips about communication and developing effective communication with children and young people.

Keeping Calm: This download gives you a bit of information that can help to keep calm and improve communication and relationships with children and young people. I.e. dealing with strong emotion, stress, taking a step back etc.

Reasons not to ask why: ‘Why’ can be a very open ended question and one that invites an excuse if a boundary is broken. This download gives you a bit of advice about this and suggests alternatives you can use.

Saying no: How the word ‘no’ is said can have a dramatic impact upon children’s behaviour and boundary setting.

Styles of Behaviour: This download provides you with more information about different styles of behaviour from aggressive to passive and assertive.

Links

www.parentlineplus.org.uk/

Parentline Plus is a national charity that works for, and with, parents and families. They can offer parents and carers a range of advise and information regarding a range of parenting issues. To find out more visit the website and look around. Parentline Plus also have a free advice line which can offer advise and support to parents. Contact Tel: 0808 800 2222

www.parents.org.uk/

Parents Online (POL) is a web site for parents, by parents. It can offer a range of information and advise regarding parenting issues to do with young children.

www.parentscentre.gov.uk/

The Parents centre provides parents and families with information and support regarding a range of issues including learning, childcare etc.

www.ukparents.co.uk/

UKParents.co.uk is a network and community of parents and people wanting to become parents. Through the website parents and carers can access information and talk to other parents around the UK about a range of issues.