Everyone has heard about domestic violence or abuse, but we often forget that these things don’t just happen to adults. Young people can find themselves stuck in unpleasant or abusive relationships with someone as well. It may not always be bad, every day, but sometimes things aren’t good and some days your partner might be cruel, violent or abusive. This is relationship abuse.

But what exactly is relationship abuse?

Relationship abuse is any type of abuse which happens within a relationship and done by a partner, boyfriend or girlfriend. It is the same as domestic abuse and violence and can involve a range of different types of behaviour and treating someone wrongly or badly, especially in a way that is to their own advantage and to get their own way.

This can involve:

• Punching or hitting.
• Threatening someone.
• Rough behaviour like grabbing someone and/or throwing them about.
• Emotional abuse, like saying nasty things and putting someone down.
• Sexual abuse like rape, forcing a partner to do things they don’t want to or having sex when a partner doesn’t want to.
• Jealousy getting out of hand i.e. checking mobiles, not allowing someone to wear what they want, certain clothes or getting jealous of friends.
• Or there might be more subtle stuff going on like a partner controlling who someone sees or what they do, following them around or always texting or phoning them to find out where they are.
• They might threaten or harm pets or something their partner cares about.

For example, some people see jealousy as a sign of love, which shows that someone cares about them. However, this isn’t strictly true, jealousy is more a sign of insecurity and when it gets out of hand can become very dangerous and controlling.

One of the problems with relationship abuse is that not all types of abuse are recognised or thought of as abuse by people. During a recent survey with young people in Brighton and Hove (2006):

• 27% of young men and 9% of young women believed that, in some situations, it is sometimes acceptable to hit a partner.
• 45% of young men and 14% of young women felt that it is sometimes acceptable to control who their partner sees or is friends with.
• Between 9% and 27% of young men thought that it was sometimes acceptable to force a partner to have sex, depending upon the circumstances. These figures rose for partners who had been going out a long time, if they were married or if someone was so turned on that they couldn’t stop.

Even though these were from a small sample of young people, the figures match national research and surveys which have been done with young people around the UK.

Relationship abuse can happen to anyone, in heterosexual relationships, between boys and girls, in gay relationships or lesbian relationships. You can’t always tell who may be abusive. The stereotypes we have about relationship abuse are misleading. Someone partners may be nice at the start; they may show love and affection and only later on start to control or be abusive, and even then they probably won’t be abusive all the time. They’ll be charming, helpful and nice. It’s not an easy thing to judge. But once it starts it is important to recognize it then try and do something about it and not be embarrassed, ashamed or frightened to try and stop it. Abuse within relationships is very common; research shows that 25% of all young people’s relationships are abusive or violent in some way.

What you should do about any abusive relationship

Relationship abuse doesn’t stop on it’s own, in fact it is more likely to get worse with time and may become very dangerous.

But if you ever experience abuse in any relationship, it’s never your fault. Nearly every abuser will blame you and tell you that it’s your fault.

There is never an excuse for abuse!

If you have experienced or are experiencing an abusive relationship, or anything like this, then you should always try and talk to someone you trust, a friend, family member, youth worker or seek advice and support from the Youth Advice Centre or Young People’s Centre (see ‘Map of services’ for contact details). You can also contact specialist Domestic Violence services in the city such as Safe as Houses (01273) 602978 or the Women’s Refuge (01273) 622822

Take time for yourself and think about your relationship, use the checklist below to help see the good and bad points and think about what you could do.

For more information to help you think about what a good and healthy relationship is and what is abusive see the downloadable resources and web links below. You can also see more information on the ‘Domestic Abuse’ and ‘Respect and Relationship’ pages of this website.

Downloads

What is a healthy relationship?: This download gives you some good tips about what is a healthy relationship, what is unhealthy and what is abusive.

Relationship Checklist: This is a great checklist to use when you get into a relationship with anyone. It gives you food for though about what could be good and what could be bad.

How should you be treated?: This download gives you some tips about what you need to know about the way you are treated or treat your partner in a relationship.

Breaking up with an abusive partner: This download gives young people some tips about how to break up safely with an abusive partner.

Links

www.thehideout.org.uk/

The hide out is a great website designed for young people to give them information, advice and support about domestic abuse/violence and how it can affect the family.

www.respect4us.org.uk/

This is a great website designed for young people which explores everyone’s right to a life free from violence, abuse and threat.

www.There4me.com

Website for 12-16 year olds – including confidential online advice about a range of issues and offering advice and support if you're worried about something and need some help. There 4 U can help with loads of issues like abuse, bullying, exams, drugs and self harm.

www.worriedneed2talk.org.uk

Website created by the NSPCC which offers a range of advice and support to young people about a range of issues.

www.connexions-direct.com/

The Connexions website has lots of information and advice about relationships for young people. You can also call the connexions advice line for help and advice about any problem you might have on 080 800 13 2 19. Or talk to your Connexions PA or youth worker. See ‘Map of Services’ for more information.

www.direct.gov.uk/

The Direct gov website has information about domestic abuse and violence and signposts where you can get more advice and information about abuse within relationships.